Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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