I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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