Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
