What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
