Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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