So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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