i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
