the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
