Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
