census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
