you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
