Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you inspire me to be a worse person
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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