If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
