when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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