I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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