you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
