It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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