I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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