If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
