i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A bitchslap is in order.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
