I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
