WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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