We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
