I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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