Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
