I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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