Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
