Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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