I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
