i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
