I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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