Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize