Someone shit on the floor
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
