The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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