We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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