Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
