He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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