I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My bed smells like the plague
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
