Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The uberlube is also flammable
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
