I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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