I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
