its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
