I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
