I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
