whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
