I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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