pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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