Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
