The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just pee around me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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