alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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