can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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