like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
