It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
